whitesmoke was so engrossed into her own thoughts, her head only snapped up at the sound of another voice. another soul who couldn’t fall asleep. she turned around to face the warrior- her own blue eyes staring into the distance where she heard a female voice sarcastically pray to starclan. the young shadowclan warrior padded over to the other cat- tawnystripe, and saw the signs of hunger and fragility, but she refused to acknowledge the signs of weakness in the otherwise strong shadowclan warrior. "whether or not starclan approves of that sarcastic tone will be up in the air. however, i'm sure some would have enjoyed that." she commented, nodding while looking at the work the female warrior was doing. she nodded, moving her long elegant tail while clearing a patch of the clearing. as she made eye contact with tawnystripe, she dipped her head in acknowledgement, her own eyes grazing the warrior.

the deputy sat down, her tail brushing off a few snowflakes that landed on her nose before curling gently around her paws. she sat in silence in the company of another cat who she was not particularly close to- but then again, who else was she close to in the camp besides herself and thistleheart? she didn't know how he was doing in starclan anymore, it had been several moons since she sat down and talked to him- but even as children, they weren’t particularly close it was later when he realized the golden silence and she realized that his flamboyancy was something that she liked. whitesmoke was always too careful, too quiet, too hidden. she was easily forgotten even as a child. but ever since littlestar became, well, littlestar, she had been propelled into the center of the clan. she wasn’t used to that. she wasn’t used to being around others at all.


it had already been a few moons since the fire and a season since thistleheart's death. as she sat underneath the stars, she wondered which one was him. she wondered if death made life any easier, as if being with ancestors made them learn how to stop thinking of themselves without turning them into a metaphor. as if they would finally be able to let go of that feeling in the pit of their stomachs when they remembered all of the different ways others said their names. whitesmoke wondered if they were gentle with themselves when they died. as if they didn’t miss life as much as they thought they would.

she wondered, but she knew that it would be a while until she left the world. she needed to find the beauty in living, she wanted to find her own truth. and as she looked back, it was hard for her to remember the exact person she was six moons ago- but the old whitesmoke was in there somewhere. the days were starting to pass by quicker than she thought they ever could, but she was still trying to learn how to how to fall asleep each night and wake up each morning in peace, and she was still trying to learn how to put to rest everything that had been weighing her down and just let the allure of another night beneath the stars and the moon and in the snow lead her into something great. make her into someone great

she finally broke the silence, her words breaking through her thoughts to distract her- and maybe tawnystripe was well.. “beautiful night, isn’t it, tawnystripe?” she breathed, "sometimes, i wonder what they have in store for us next." she said, referring to their ancestors. she stuck her words out in the bitter silence, just to see where they would take her. maybe soon, she would be all grown up, be worthy of being called shadowclan's deputy. maybe she’ll finally learn to say all of the apologies and goodbyes that were tattooed underneath her tongue. maybe she’ll learn how to be fine no matter what life would throw at her. maybe.

she would be fine, eventually. she had to be fine.

it was the only truth that she discovered underneath the stars tonight. and it was the only truth that she would ever know.

and, for once, whitesmoke was fine with that.

whitesmoke caught the widening of the warrior's eyes before it disappeared as quickly as it appeared, she outstretched one of her paws as she wiped away the ashes. the memories of the fire were now just going to be another story told down to the kits. she looked as tawnystripe dipped her head lower-- the respectful greeting that she was not yet used to, and it made her feel uncomfortable. was she adequate as deputy? the white warrior watched at tawnystripe's quick hands, and she couldn't help but to admire her perseverance. the deputy joined in, her white paws quickly getting covered with soot, and as she caught the warrior looking at her mystified, the she-cat could feel a shiver run down her spine. was it the wrong thing to say? 

i prefer the day time, really. at night, everything is silver and white and shaded. the only reason i'm awake now is because my stomach woke me up. the she-cat's blue eyes looked at the warrior, and there was no emotion that was betrayed in her gaze. she was good at that-- the calm, collected, indifferent stare that was perhaps her greatest aid. "is your stomach alright? perhaps you should go to the medicine cat or drink some fresh water. we cannot afford to lose more cats to the sickness-- better treat it early before it gets worse" she mused, clicking her tongue at the thought of littlestar. the prideful leader had refused to get her symptoms treated, even at the wishes of honeymask and whitesmoke, and look at the state that she was in right now. her whiskers twitching, before turning her attention back to the scene that was unfolding around her. the barren territory, the haphazardly built together camp. shadowclan was weak, and she knew it. the other clans must surely know it as well, but there was nothing that whitesmoke could do.

if it were left up to starclan, we'd all die of starvation before newleaf ever came.

do you really believe that? the warrior was curious at the retorts of her clanmate. she hadn't heard of such despise before, hope was fragile. but it seemed as if tawnystripe had none of it, and that was an attitude that was toxic. it had the potential to ruin the clan, and isolate starclan. whitesmoke understood the clan's anger at starclan-- why would they allow a fire to wipe out gannetstar and the rest of them? perhaps, but hardships like these make the bonds between our cats stronger. with time, shadowclan will be great again. she said, hesitantly. with so much sickness and destruction, did the deputy truly believe that? how could she, when she wasn't even sure if she was the right choice. but it was her duty to fake it, and with time, perhaps her confidence would grow.