Frozen Hearts, Feelings, and Memories [open!]

the clan's situation was peculiar at the very least. clovercloud didn't know whether to cry or to laugh, to mourn or to rejoice, over the change in leadership. tallstar was a brave and loyal tom, but what of twilightstar? and quillfur? starclan rejected the deputy's place as leader, and with a hiss and a snarl quillfur ran deep into the forest never to be seen again. having no one else to take on the place, the young medicine cat took the deer by the horns and now led windclan through the hard and unforgiving leafbare. while clovercloud felt her calling was towards a life of nursing kits, she respected tallstar's piety and love for windclan.

the fresh-kill pile wasn't even half-full when she arrived, and she felt the pang of hunger claw at her belly. "not much today, i see..." clovercloud muttered under her breath, padding towards darkheart, another she-cat trying to find some good pickings in the fresh-kill pile. figuring there wasn't much to eat, clovercloud followed darkheart back to the warriors den, plopping herself down in exhaustion, clovercloud gave a small moan of contempt. "the toms can't catch anything worth their while."

clovercloud knew her dear friend was as upset about the lack of fresh-kill as she, but the she-cat knew better than to complain and make an unnecessary scene. a hungry grumble rumbled inside her, but clovercloud pushed the pain back. "hello dear clovercloud. staying warm today i hope?" clovercloud looked at her friend and gave her a faint smile, licking the back of her paw and drawing it over her ear. "attempting to," she answered, honestly not giving much thought to it. the bitter winds had started blowing over camp, and clovercloud worried about the queens soon birthing kits.

"I had issues yesterday just trying to catch something. I feel these leafbares are just getting harder and harder for us. Everything goes under ground for us." sadly, darkheart had a point. the rabbits were beginning their hibernation, or at the very least avoiding the winter, thus staying out of the clan's way. when they first arrived here, windclan dug the burrows out during the cold season, determine to catch what they could of the quick-witted rabbits. "they do," the cream-colored she-cat mused. "we have to find an alternative."


"Have you seen Tallstar around lately? I feel he's never around now..." the she-cat suddenly sounded somber, as if she were worried for a cat the clan barely knew. before the death of twilightstar and her deputy, tallstep resided quietly in his den, never talking to anyone but his apprentice and the few cats who entered his castle in the meadow. clovercloud thought his leadership was quite unorthodox, and like many, felt uncomfortable about the events leading up to it. "uh, he's around." clovercloud gave her friend a peculiar look. "why? doesn't he isolate himself usually?"

tallstar wasn't a new addition to the clan, but as the youngest leader among the five, lacking the most experience, and not naturally coming from a deputyship, clovercloud understood why cats doubted him, doubted starclan, and doubted the security of the warrior code. tallstar's inauguration wasn't the way things were supposed to proceed. deputies could only become leaders, and a cat inheriting the position from medicine cat was unheard of and never seen. some cats, specifically the large group tallstar surrounded himself with, saw his leadership as a blessing, because for once a windclan leader knew both clan rules and medicine cat remedies. a powerhouse, as they called it.

while clovercloud knew it wasn't kosher to doubt your leader, her faith wavered like a leaf on a tree. she'd been raised in a traditional nest, her mother and father revering their status as starclan's chosen clan. "Yes he usually is but when times like these get tough you would think he would be around to support us and tell us we are doing a good job and to not quit.'' you would think, wouldn't you? clover said nothing, but she questioned darkheart's sense in the back of her mind. ''Either everyone is staying warm or trying to do what they can to get food..Starclan knows we might end up stealing from Riverclan just to feed our home." cloverstar bristled. "staying warm isn't going to get fresh-kill on the pile." catching her abrasive tone, she lifted a paw and licked it apologetically. "i'm sorry, darkheart. i just... don't feel like the life of a warrior is right for me."

''How does a walk sound? I swear the more I sit here and do nothing I'll freeze over like a river.''  clovercloud lifted her ears and gave her friend a gentle smile, standing to walk out of the den. she flicked her tail, a signal for darkheart to follow. "a walk would be lovely."

as they padded down the edge of the gorge, clovercloud giggled at the snowflakes dusting her coat and whiskers. she blew forth, the little beads of frozen water jumping off of her and into the evening sky. as hard as this leafbare was, clovercloud saw some optomism in nature that surrounded them. no, she didn't need to trust in their leader, deputy, or even medicine cat. she needed to trust in starclan, because starclan would pull them out of the depths of tragedy. someday, when she had kits of her own, clovercloud would tell them of this leafbare so they always remembered where they came from, the power of windclan to overcome even the hardest of seasons. across the gorge clovercloud saw riverclan's territory and the once muddy riverbed now more like a chunk of ice. "pity," she muttered to herself. "riverclan may have it worse than us."

"Clovercloud.. whats the life of a queen like?" clovercloud turned to her friend, a bit taken aback by her question. being a queen? well, she wasn't quite official yet, but clovercloud had relinquished her warrior duties, respectfully. having not confirmed her new status with tallstar, the younger she-cat didn't quite know what to say. "well..." she moved her paws around in the snow, digging through the slosh nervously. "i have yet to bear my own litter... but, i prefer the life of a queen. i love to look after kits and want to support the clan by bringing the next generation into the sunlight." her light yellow eyes glistened with hope as she looked at darkheart. "why?"

clovercloud knew her friend wanted to be a warrior, but she felt her paws moving in the direction of becoming a mother. ''It's just times like these where I wish I was a queen.'' cloverheart's gaze became more understanding as she spoke, nodding her head. the snow felt very cold against her paws, but clovercloud knew her friend needed her more than the queen needed warmth. "darkheart," she started, reaching over with a paw and placed it on darkheart's own. "i can't help but feel... that starclan has not meant your way to be the one of a warrior." having felt the call to motherhood herself, clovercloud recognized a she-cat in need instantly.

''Waking up early to go out into the forest to not come back with a single piece of prey.. then seeing a clan mate walk in after you with nothing in their mouth. Then apprentices.. what are they suppose to learn when they have nothing to hunt. It's frustrating to us. We do the best we can we really do.'' her voice was filled with anxiety, the fear of being judged seemingly overwhelming for darkheart. clovercloud put her tail on her friend's back, trying to calm the restless warrior. "no one blames our warriors, darkheart," she smiled. "it's been hard without twilightstar. the drastic change hasn't been easy, and i'm sure everyone is just a bit off from tallstar's appointment." the clan didn't even have a deputy yet, and this worried clovercloud. what would starclan say? was tallstar really trying to take over windclan?

''We know, well, I know the clan needs to be fed and everyone needs the strength to keep moving but.. a break now and then doesn't sound so bad.'' sympathy curled its way into clovercloud's heart and she sat, trying to keep darkheart still for a moment. "if you would like, you can join me in the nursery for a few suns. you know, to see what you think?" she lifted a wet paw to lick it, attempting to dry herself. "many queens stay in the nursery to kit and then return to their warrior duties. it isn't a binding contract." however, clovercloud knew the life of a mother and a warrior changed cats, and the code encouraged she-cats to remain queens after they birthed their first litter.

oh, how badly she wanted a family of her own. she yearned to feel the small, furry bodies pressed against her chest, nipping at her and drinking her milk she'd prepared just for them. a purr errupted from her throat while she imagined such a life, and she found herself kneading the snowy grass beneath them. darkheart's next question sent her reeling back into the real world, abruptly and with spikes of ill-feeling dug deep in her. ''Clovercloud.. if I were to be a queen for a bit.. wouldn't that make me look weak?'' weak? was she calling clovercloud weak? the queen puffed out her chest defensively, ears flattening. how dare she! "queens are not weak!" spat clovercloud, pupils dilating in anger. "it is an honor to give kits to the clan. we may not need to hunt and fight, but it doesn't mean we don't know how." the life of a warrior had plagued her friend's brain. every insecurity clovercloud felt unraveled, and she looked away shamefully.

''I'm not sure Clovercloud. You make it look so easy. I just feel if I wanted to be a queen I would need a mate, to be pregnant..'' while she had a point, clovercloud knew there was a lot more to being a queen than popping out babies. "being a queen is not about giving birth." she found pride in her duties. "during war, we take care of the injured cats when the medicine cat tends to the fatally wounded." she looked down at the rushing water of the gorge. "my mother was a queen. she brought me up to be the same. it is a reputable position." but darkheart didn't seem convinced. ''When am I ever going to find that?'' clovercloud pressed her forehead against her friend's shoulder. "i'm sure the right tom will come along one of these days."